Straight White Guy

Alright...I'm going to bed....
ok.....OK.......I know I'm not that old yet....but here are a few funny lines that I found about GETTING old....I love the thought of getting old....it gives you an even BIGGER excuse to smack young people up-side the head......

SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

....sorry guys and gals...I thought it was VERY funny....sorrrrry......

NOT TO BE OUTDONE...
The very gracious Gentleman at Pathetic Earthlings replied to my story with his OWN Stottish Whiskey story....which, I'm sure he won't mind posting...his isn't as in-depth as mine, but it is great just the way it is...quick and to the point.....much like the Scottish wit....

"What a fantastic story. I was touring the Glenmorangie on my honeymoon and the lady -- who was ninety if she was a day -- who poured us our free samples asked my wife if she'd like any water in her dram and she politely demurred...

The lady looked at her for a moment and then roared in her scottish brouge -- ThhaaaAAt's a Good Laaaasssss! The Ooohnly thing you sh' put in scotch whiskey is MOooooooore scotch whiskey!"

Another Whiskey Post
I sent this to Pathetic Earthlings after reading some of his posts about booze...here is what I sent him...it is a Christmas story....in a way....but more than that, it is a story about gathering coal like some warped Charles Dickens character...but more than that...this is a story about God...everybody likes stories about GOD, right?

"I lived in the "Gardener's Cottage" of a Great House in Montrose, Scotland..my landlord lived in the Great House...parts of it were built in the 1300s...anyway, during Christmas one year, I walked up to his house to borrow some coal...yeah, yeah, I know that sounds corny, but it is true...there was a thick snow, and we'd run out of coal...it was a Saturday...just about lunch time...anyway, I knocked on his door, and he was full of cheer...told me where the coal bunker was, and I filled my bucket...as I started walking back, he opened the door and yelled for me to come and have a dram with him...

So, I - being from Tennessee, wasn't ABOUT to turn down a free dram, so..I went inside. He had his Christmas tree up, and a coal fire blazing away, and he was drinking a big snifter of 1964 Macallan...now, this was all happening in December of 1994....so, that was one expensive bottle of Macallan...anyway, I took my drink and sat by the fire - quite enjoying the company, the warmth, and the dram....when I finished the dram and started to get up to leave, he asked me "So, what do you think of the Macallan?"....now, I had been being schooled by my wife's Father and Grandfather..who were BOTH huge fans of all of the Islay single malts...so, I said..."I like it a lot, it is really nice, but I think I still prefer the 17 year old Bowmore".....you could have heard a pin drop....

and then, he said it...he stared at me in disbelief....standing there with my bucket of coal in my hand...."Dear Boy"..he started...as only a Scottish aristocrat can say "dear boy"...."GOD drinks Macallan"....the way he said it, it almost sounded like he and God played golf every Wednesday or something....anyway, I have never forgotten it...and I've told that story hundreds of times....so, just remember...the next time you have yourself a nice dram....you may like what you like - and for whatever reason....but in the final analysis...God Drinks Macallan..."

I still think Bowmore is my fav, though...

Theme of the Week - Drinking
Go ahead and order me a Scotch and Water, I'll be right over.... For those of you who don't know, Black Five has made up a list of bloggers who he'd like to have a few drinks with..... It is quite a list - from Higher Beings and Large Mammals, to Crunchy Crustaceans and Insignificant Microbes...but I'm sure we'd ALL be proud to throw back a few drinks with him...

I totally agree that getting together and meeting some bloggers in real life sounds like a great idea.... It seems that recently a lot of bloggers have had the same ideas about getting together in person..... I hope to make it to Dahlonega on 1 November, but I'm not 100% sure I'll be able to make it..... I was in Chicago a few months ago, and I spent the whole afternoon in Fitz's Pub in Elmhurst. My wife and I flew up for the weekend. She had to take care of some business, which left me with nothing to do all day. So, I wandered into the nearest pub, and had a great few hours...it was actually a pretty cool situation....I was in a pub...in Chicago....watching the Cubs get pounded by the White Sox....most of the drinkers in there were Cubs fans, and there was much disgruntlement at the state of the ball game...Sosa was the brunt of some fairly severe verbal abuse from the gentlemen at the bar that day...I even bought the pub's tee shirt......The locals were a lot of fun to chat with, and the bar maid was a real cutie...she had a daisy tattoo on her hip...drinking is so much more fun when you have an interesting barmaid....all in all, it was a great day at the pub, and many new friends were made.

I wasn't blogging then, and hadn't heard of Mr. Black Five or I would have called him up. In any case, I think this should be a goal of ours...we should all make an effort to meet more bloggers face to face...

Bringing Them Home
One at a Time...slowly but surely..the only Coast Guardsman on the POW/MIA list has now been identified. Good work guys....only 1800 more to go from the Vietnam War...still quite a few from Korea as well.....there is 1 thing that EVERY member of our Armed Services should feel confident in...you WILL be brought home...Hell, that is the LEAST we can do for you if you've given your LIFE for your country...so, good work boys...now get back to it....

"The remains of Lt. Jack C. Rittichier, of Barberton, Ohio, were among those of four U.S. servicemen recovered from the crash site near Ban Kaboui, Laos, and positively identified, the Pentagon announced Monday. "

DIALSPRINT.NET...CONGRATS...
hheee.....ok...dang, I really hate it when I blog drunk...ANYway....whoever you are...you get the prize...you, ...who...at 8:59:29 PM EST...entered my blog...gave me my 1,000th visit....the person from RR.COM was 1,001..so, sorry..nothing for you....

WHAT the HELL...
When I read this, I couldn't believe it...I'm VERY torn over the idea of Euthanasia...I used to be a agree with it...and then, I watched my Dad die of lung cancer...he fought EVERY single MINUTE...the last hour of his life was indescribable...Me, my Mom, and my cousin Calvin sat there and watched it happen.....he was a fighter..from day one...to the last...Semper Fi, Dad...he always told me - waaaay back before he even got sick, that "I'll live as long as I can, and when I get close to dying, I'm gonna scream and holler and let EVERYONE around me know that I don't like leavin' ONE BIT!"..and he was true to his statement...

We only got one go-round on this ride, boys and girls...you had better make DAMN sure that you enjoy this one...it's all there is...after that, this particular circus is over for you...suicide is not an option....

Was he in pain? You bet your ass...Was his case hopeless?...damn straight...Did he quit?...HELL no....

For Dax and the Acidman
Alright....I know that I have already posted my normal Robert Service poem for the week...and I know that y'all probably don't like scrolling down so dang far...but, after just reading Dax's post...who was very kind to include me in the mention...I notice that he AND Acidman have both been wondering what would have happened if they'd stuck with guitar playin' as an occupation..

Funnily enough, before even reading those posts, I was listening to George Thorogood sing "Get a Haircut and Get a Real Job" in the car's CD player on the way home today....fate?..hmm, you decide....especially the lines..

"I even tried that nine to five scene
I told myself that it was all a bad dream
I found a band with some good songs to play
Now I party all night and sleep all day
I met this chick, she was my number one fan
She took me home to meet her mommy and dad
They took one look at me and said, "Oh my god!
Get a haircut and get a real job!"

Anyway, it appears I've strayed off topic...this Service poem is for all of us...remember kiddies...read it out loud...you'll enjoy it more, and people in other rooms will think you're crazy...it's a win-win situation...

Of course...at the end of the song, he DOES mention that he is "Ten times richer than my Big Brother Bob..and HE'S got a haircut, and he's got a REAL job".....hey, I'm just sayin.....

The Joy of Being Poor

Let others sing of gold and gear, the joy of being rich;
But oh, the days when I was poor, a vagrant in a ditch!
When every dawn was like a gem, so radiant and rare,
And I had but a single coat, and not a single care;
When I would feast right royally on bacon, bread and beer,
And dig into a stack of hay and doze like any peer;
When I would wash beside a brook my solitary shirt,
And though it dried upon my back I never took a hurt;
When I went romping down the road contemptuous of care,
And slapped Adventure on the back - by Gad! we were a pair;
When, though my pockets lacked a coin, and though my coat was old,
The largess of the stars was mine, and all the sunset gold;
When time was only made for fools, and free as air was I,
And hard I hit and hard I lived beneath the open sky;
When all the roads were one to me, and each had its allure . . .
Ye Gods! these were the happy days, the days when I was poor.

Or else, again, old pal of mine, do you recall the times
You struggled with your storyettes, I wrestled with my rhymes;
Oh, we were happy, were we not? - we used to live so "high"
(A little bit of broken roof between us and the sky);
Upon the forge of art we toiled with hammer and with tongs;
You told me all your rippling yarns, I sang to you my songs.
Our hats were frayed, our jackets patched, our boots were down at heel,
But oh, the happy men were we, although we lacked a meal.
And if I sold a bit of rhyme, or if you placed a tale,
What feasts we had of tenderloins and apple-tarts and ale!
And yet how often we would dine as cheerful as you please,
Beside our little friendly fire on coffee, bread and cheese.
We lived upon the ragged edge, and grub was never sure,
But oh, these were the happy days, the days when we were poor.

Alas! old man, we're wealthy now, it's sad beyond a doubt;
We cannot dodge prosperity, success has found us out.
Your eye is very dull and drear, my brow is creased with care,
We realize how hard it is to be a millionaire.
The burden's heavy on our backs - you're thinking of your rents,
I'm worrying if I'll invest in five or six per cents.
We've limousines, and marble halls, and flunkeys by the score,
We play the part . . . but say, old chap, oh, isn't it a bore?
We work like slaves, we eat too much, we put on evening dress;
We've everything a man can want, I think . . . but happiness.
Come, let us sneak away, old chum; forget that we are rich,
And earn an honest appetite, and scratch an honest itch.
Let's be two jolly garreteers, up seven flights of stairs,
And wear old clothes and just pretend we aren't millionaires;
And wonder how we'll pay the rent, and scribble ream on ream,
And sup on sausages and tea, and laugh and loaf and dream.

And when we're tired of that, my friend, oh, you will come with me;
And we will seek the sunlit roads that lie beside the sea.
We'll know the joy the gipsy knows, the freedom nothing mars,
The golden treasure-gates of dawn, the mintage of the stars.
We'll smoke our pipes and watch the pot, and feed the crackling fire,
And sing like two old jolly boys, and dance to heart's desire;
We'll climb the hill and ford the brook and camp upon the moor . . .
Old chap, let's haste, I'm mad to taste the Joy of Being Poor.

by Robert W. Service, 1957

Bill Whittle is STALLING AGAIN!!
His posts are amazing...but DAMMIT!! HURRY up! ...we're all DYIN" out here...I guess we could always go back and re-read this one...

The Guitar is BACK..
HOT DAMN!!...I've been lost without her for almost an entire week now...which probably accounts for all the blogging I've been doing this week...anyway, a friend of mine - who is a gunsmith and all around artistic GENIUS told me that his business was slow the other day...so, I asked him if he had ever done any work on musical instruments...turns out that he had...SO, I told him that if I could come up with an idea for my Guitar, I would get him to do some inlay work on it...I just got it back, and I'm a happy camper...he took the dots out of the neck and replaced them with turquoise....and I had an old Jimmy Buffett album..."Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes"...anyone remember that one? heheh...anyway, Jimmy has a "Navigation Rose" on the album cover...you know, the thing in the bottom of a map that says N S E W??...anyway, Gary made a turquoise disk - outlined in silver, and placed a navigational star on top of it....it is up on the head of the neck just below where it says Fender...I love it...he also replaced my front and back bridges with polished Buffalo horn....I'll post photos this week sometime, if anyone wants to see them.....It looks GREAT!....I love it when artists get bored and do work for me on the cheap!!

Oh, and Dax...he also made me a custom 6 piece bar set....it ROCKS...

Allah's Poetry Contest..
BWHHAHA....you have gotta check out this diety..

"Then there's the women, who stall insurrection
With their lips and their curves and their frilly Jew frocks.
You can't wage jihad when you've got an erection.
These snakecharmers must be smashed with rocks."

This Just in - Hot off the e-mail
WARNING: New Virus called C-Nile appears to affect those of us who were born before 1959. Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus include:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

Gorilla in Boston!!
The beast escaped from the Zoo....and was seen...no kidding... "seated at a bus station near the zoo"...my question is....Where the HELL was he going?...hmmm??...and if Gorillas are smart enough to break out of a Zoo and wait to catch the next bus out of town...DANG....

"The gorilla injured the young girl and an 18-year-old woman almost immediately after escaping, Linehan said. A witness told police she later saw the gorilla sitting at a bus stop on a street near the zoo. "

SCHMOOZING the UN? Or just kissing French-A?
Is this part of Dubya's play to get UN support in Iraq? If so, getting a US Marine General to suck up to the French in THIS ARTICLE is pretty dang bad...

"Gen. James L. Jones is the first U.S. Marine to serve as NATO's Supreme Allied Commander, Europe. Having grown up in France, where his father worked for an American company after WWII, he has a keen sense of Continental sensitivities, especially as NATO tries to address the demands of new regional and global threats. Jones sat down last week with NEWSWEEK's Christopher Dickey for an exclusive interview. DICKEY: What do you make of the rift between the United States and France? JONES: It saddens me, to be honest with you. I grew up in both cultures. I identify with what France went through in the difficult times of Algeria, of Indochina, the postwar reconstruction, which I lived through starting in 1947. I remember the big green buses with the white stars driving all over Paris. "

Trust me folks, he REALLY starts kissing up further on in this interview....Bah...

Joke for Today....
How well do you really know your spouse?? BWHAHHA ..check this one...

"While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered,

"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....

The Shirt...
I got an e-mail asking what is written on the shirt in my photo..

The answer?.....Alaska Machine Gun Association.....

Visit here to find out more...

Sunday Pooltable Results
For those of you interested, THIS Sunday we only played for an hour and a half. The results were thus: 8-ball, Steve won 4 to 2...and after some lucky shots, 9-ball, ME 6 to 4...ehehe oh yeah...

Daily Afflictions
OK, I bought this book a while ago...and then I went and bought a BUNCH of them for gifts for some friends...if you haven't read it, or heard about Brother Void, you are really missing out...heheeh...here is an example...

The interstate of life

You are free and that is why you are lost.
--Franz Kafka

On the interstate of life you rarely reach your destination. In rest-stop after rest-stop, you look for signs of God, or happiness, or just reason enough to get back on the road. But is it not right and fitting that you lose your way? Isn't such failure itself evidence of the sublime? Granted, the bleary-eyed, caffeine-dazed monotony of the interstate of life may often feel like an endless bad dream. But the roadside wreckage that marks your journey--the discarded quarts of oil, the busted hub caps, the insect bodies splattered on your windshield, the coffee lids scattered at your feet--aren't these signs that, in a certain way, you have already arrived?

It's not whether I arrive; it's how I lose my way.

How RICH is THIS??
I've already posted my feelings on that IDOIT Judge who said that Telemarketers have Constitutional RIGHT to call my house...but this...THIS is just despicable...HE'S ON THE LIST!!...well, he is certainly on MY list of people worth strangling..

UT VOLS
Tennessee BARELY pulled it off against South Carolina...and Arkansas are some lucky bastards too....

Weekly Robert Service Poem..
OK...I know that I'm in the middle of a "Rumbleanche" but I MUST go on with my duty of getting more people to read Service poems....I know, during this time of increased traffic, I should post something to make everyone think I'm clever, or what-the-hell-ever...but the fact remains...it is Service time...so, here is a favorite of mine..."The Law of the Yukon"...I'm not a treehugger...and this poem has some environmentalist qualities...but is is also a poem about REAL men and women making their ways in the world...as I always say, read this one out loud so that you get the rhyme down..get your kiddies, etc, in and READ it to them...or, just read it out loud to yourself..whatever makes you happy...BY THE WAY...for those guys out there who think that reading poetry is for wimmen...you should read these and THEN decide...these are PERFECT for reading - or RECITING - around a campfire...

The Law of the Yukon

This is the law of the Yukon, and ever she makes it plain:
"Send not your foolish and feeble; send me your strong and your sane --
Strong for the red rage of battle; sane for I harry them sore;
Send me men girt for the combat, men who are grit to the core;
Swift as the panther in triumph, fierce as the bear in defeat,
Sired of a bulldog parent, steeled in the furnace heat.
Send me the best of your breeding, lend me your chosen ones;
Them will I take to my bosom, them will I call my sons;
Them will I gild with my treasure, them will I glut with my meat;
But the others -- the misfits, the failures -- I trample under my feet.
Dissolute, damned and despairful, crippled and palsied and slain,
Ye would send me the spawn of your gutters -- Go! take back your spawn again.

"Wild and wide are my borders, stern as death is my sway;
From my ruthless throne I have ruled alone for a million years and a day;
Hugging my mighty treasure, waiting for man to come,
Till he swept like a turbid torrent, and after him swept -- the scum.
The pallid pimp of the dead-line, the enervate of the pen,
One by one I weeded them out, for all that I sought was -- Men.
One by one I dismayed them, frighting them sore with my glooms;
One by one I betrayed them unto my manifold dooms.
Drowned them like rats in my rivers, starved them like curs on my plains,
Rotted the flesh that was left them, poisoned the blood in their veins;
Burst with my winter upon them, searing forever their sight,
Lashed them with fungus-white faces, whimpering wild in the night;

Staggering blind through the storm-whirl, stumbling mad through the snow,
Frozen stiff in the ice-pack, brittle and bent like a bow;
Featureless, formless, forsaken, scented by wolves in their flight,
Left for the wind to make music through ribs that are glittering white;
Gnawing the black crust of failure, searching the pit of despair,
Crooking the toe in the trigger, trying to patter a prayer;
Going outside with an escort, raving with lips all afoam,
Writing a cheque for a million, driveling feebly of home;
Lost like a louse in the burning. . .or else in the tented town
Seeking a drunkard's solace, sinking and sinking down;
Steeped in the slime at the bottom, dead to a decent world,
Lost 'mid the human flotsam, far on the frontier hurled;
In the camp at the bend of the river, with its dozen saloons aglare,
Its gambling dens ariot, its gramophones all ablare;
Crimped with the crimes of a city, sin-ridden and bridled with lies,
In the hush of my mountained vastness, in the flush of my midnight skies.
Plague-spots, yet tools of my purpose, so natheless I suffer them thrive,
Crushing my Weak in their clutches, that only my Strong may survive.

"But the others, the men of my mettle, the men who would 'stablish my fame
Unto its ultimate issue, winning me honor, not shame;
Searching my uttermost valleys, fighting each step as they go,
Shooting the wrath of my rapids, scaling my ramparts of snow;
Ripping the guts of my mountains, looting the beds of my creeks,
Them will I take to my bosom, and speak as a mother speaks.
I am the land that listens, I am the land that broods;
Steeped in eternal beauty, crystalline waters and woods.
Long have I waited lonely, shunned as a thing accurst,
Monstrous, moody, pathetic, the last of the lands and the first;
Visioning camp-fires at twilight, sad with a longing forlorn,
Feeling my womb o'er-pregnant with the seed of cities unborn.
Wild and wide are my borders, stern as death is my sway,
And I wait for the men who will win me -- and I will not be won in a day;
And I will not be won by weaklings, subtle, suave and mild,
But by men with the hearts of Vikings, and the simple faith of a child;
Desperate, strong and resistless, unthrottled by fear or defeat,
Them will I gild with my treasure, them will I glut with my meat.

"Lofty I stand from each sister land, patient and wearily wise,
With the weight of a world of sadness in my quiet, passionless eyes;
Dreaming alone of a people, dreaming alone of a day,
When men shall not rape my riches, and curse me and go away;
Making a bawd of my bounty, fouling the hand that gave --
Till I rise in my wrath and I sweep on their path and I stamp them into a grave.
Dreaming of men who will bless me, of women esteeming me good,
Of children born in my borders of radiant motherhood,
Of cities leaping to stature, of fame like a flag unfurled,
As I pour the tide of my riches in the eager lap of the world."

This is the Law of the Yukon, that only the Strong shall thrive;
That surely the Weak shall perish, and only the Fit survive.
Dissolute, damned and despairful, crippled and palsied and slain,
This is the Will of the Yukon, -- Lo, how she makes it plain!

By R. W. Service

HOT DAMN!!
...I've only had this blog up for 17 days and I just got my first avalance!...is it called "Gut Rumbled"? Or is it a "Rumbleanche"? Stick around a while...sit a spell....I'll mix you a drink...hehe..there SURELY has to be something on this site that'll make you grin...

Thanks Acidman!

BWHAHAH!!! AVERT YOUR EYES NOW!!
I'm sure you all have heard the term..."treehugger"...I sure hope that THIS is not what they ALL look like...BWHAHHAH

"About 15 people marched stark-naked down the crowded sidewalks of Telegraph Avenue yesterday, some covered in body paint, some holding parasols, some playing the didgeridoo—letting it all hang out in the name of peace and love.

The group waved signs reading "Peace," and "Make Love, not War," as they celebrated Berkeley's 12th annual Nude and Breast Freedom Parade. "

Get the WHOLE, eye-watering thing right HERE...

by the way...the best quote I've heard in a LONG time comes from this article..."Is this legal in Berkeley?".....priceless...

Bad Joke of the Day..
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day spent sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant noted for its haute cuisine. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"

The REAL Deal on Skidmarks..
Ever wonder why men have them? No? Well, go read this post anyway...it is very informative! BWHAHAHA!!

"You know what a fart is? It is hot stomach gas blown past turds. Okay? When you blow air over a turd, you are going to pick up turd bits. You should be glad that we are wearing pants, because if we weren't, all that aerosol crap would be floating around in the air instead of being nicely filtered by multiple layers of cloth."

Link via Black Five

Man Finds Mouse in His Fried Chicken
"BALTIMORE (AP) - Baltimore health officials say a patron of a Popeye's restaurant bit into a mouse that had been fried along with the chicken.

Tony Hill says he was eating the second piece of his three-piece meal when he made the unappetizing discovery.

He filed a complaint with the health department.

Officials say that same restaurant has been closed twice before for infestation or unsanitary conditions.

Inspectors checked the place yesterday and didn't find any rodents. But officials say they'll be back "

This Has Nothing To Do With Anything
Something weird happens with Chocolate when it is placed too near a bunch of Bananas...PLEEZE tell me that someone else has noticed this happening in their own homes, otherwise I think I'm either flipping out, or have had WAAAAAY too much Scotch...here is the deal.....My wife keeps a bowl of fruit on the bar in the kitchen ...in the BOTTOM of the bowl are assorted goodies..including chocolates..on TOP of the chocolates are things that we SHOULD eat..like bananas, apples, etc........normally, I don't eat chocolates...but, while pouring my drink just now, I spied them..and picked up a "Caramel Reisen"....I unwrapped the thing and began chewing away, and ....I could taste bananas!!...it freaked me out...

Thinking of how weird it was, I spied a little "Smore's Treat" in there....and began chewing it...and it was even MORE Banana flavored...so...here is a word of warning....

DO NOT STORE CHOCOLATES NEAR YOUR BANANAS...you have been warned..I tested the theory twice, and both times, the outcome was the same...Banana flavor will INFEST your chocolates...INNNNNNNFEST your chocolates...

I sincerely hope that this drunken blog about bananas and chocolates will NOT draw your attention away from the post below...concerning our Reserve Military..

Reservists...
OK, I WAS going to put up a post about a dude who found a fried mouse in his fried chicken....I'll save that for later....but instead, I just wanted to scream a little about the latest craze which seems to be happening...RESERVE MILITARY bitching and whining about being deployed....this seethes me on so many different levels that I hardly know where to begin....I have been approached by friends before who asked me about joining the military...and in EACH and every case, I told them to go active duty. We need an active duty military, and we also need a reserve...Active duty gets crap pay, crap housing, 24/7 of rain, sweat, PT...reservists get to go to college...my background is active duty...I only spent 5 years on active duty, but I was active duty..let me - in the spirit of Black Five - tell you a story...ok?

After being in the Corps for 3 1/2 years, I come home to Tennessee on Recruiting Duty, which is basically a free month of leave. All you gotta do is go to a few of the local schools and help the recruiter try to find some new Marines. Anyway, it was in November. Now, to Marines, that month means Marine Corps Ball time...so, I started looking around for the nearest Marine unit that I could go and party with....it turned out that there was a Reserve Marine Artillery unit in Chattanooga, TN. I called them up, and bought my ticket, and arrived with my lovely date 100% ready to party hardy on the Dixie Queen Riverboat....

I was placed at a table of Lance Corporals...the FIRST thing I notice is that the guy across from me - sitting there in his dress blues - has his shooting badges, his ribbons, and his entire uniform in a TOTAL state of disarray...It killed me...if any of the guys back at the base had seen ME like that, they'd have beaten me senseless...but here I sat while SSgts and Gunnys walked by and spoke to the kid with never a word about his uniform...Finally, I coudn't take it any longer..I asked him what a particular ribbon was for that he was wearing, and he said, "I don't know WHAT that one is for"....well boys and girls....it was a CAR...a Combat Action Ribbon...and Ladies and Gentlemen, THAT was the final straw....I lit into him...like ANY God-Fearing young Corporal of Marines would do..."WHEN DID YOU EARN THAT?...YOU DONT KNOW THE DECORATIONS YOU ARE WEARING?? THAT'S IT!!!...GET YOUR ASS OUT ON DECK!!"

So, yip...I made an ass out of myself right there in front of everyone...just as the Roast Beef was being served....I took his ass out on the back of the River Boat, and I made him take his Blues Blouse off, and WE straightened up his ribbons and his badges - which were a GOOD TWO INCHES from where they were supposed to be...

Now, some of you will think this is a bit anal retentive of me...but, you'll just have to trust me on this one...it isn't...it is all about Discipline...and Professionalism...and Pride..and SELF RESPECT...nothing more...

We came back in - after I straightened him out - and had a great patry...at least I did...

The moral of this little rant is this...Reservists are needed...we NEED men and women here to help us deploy quickly...but some of people who join the reserve never INTEND to serve active duty....I have friends who are in the Reserves, and they are VOLUNTEERING to go active duty....when I hear Reservists whine about being deployed for 6 months..a YEAR, or even MORE...I have a uncontrollable urge to say...."SHUT THE HELL UP, and do what you signed up for....you thought this was just a free ride through college with a few Marine Corps Balls thrown in to dazzle your DATE with? The active duty guys do this EVERY DAY!"

I hate people who whine more than anything in the entire world...

BEST Tee-Shirts EVER...maybe...
I'll tell ya this...sometimes, when you are out going from blog to blog, you come across some REALLY weird shit...a'hem....anyway, I just found THIS link....not sure which shirt I want yet, but I'll let you know...I ALREADY know what some of my friends are getting for Christmas though!! BHWHAAHAHA

An Oldie .....
At one point in his career the Lone Ranger was captured by an Indian War party. The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.

Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admitted he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver was brought to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear. As before, Silver took off across the plains and disappeared over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief was again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone, the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said,

"Listen carefully! For the *last* time, I said, 'BRING POSSE!'

This is TOO MUCH
Alright..this morning on the way to work, I heard that the Supreme Court has put the National Do Not Call List on HOLD again!!...GOOD LORD...They claim that implementing this list would "violate the telemarketer's right to Freedom of Speech"....yeah RIGHT....first of all, if I'm walking down the street, you can say what you want under your Freedom Of Speech rights - be it offensive to some, or whatever, and you are protected......if you try to say it IN MY HOUSE, you will find yourself either injured, or kicked out, or BOTH. That is MY right as the homeowner....I get to say what is acceptable in my house....so, now the Supreme Court is basically telling us that when they call our house, it is not an invasion of our privacy....IMHO IT IS an invasion of my privacy...does this mean that if some asshat comes into my home and starts irritating me, and I kick him out, then he can take me to court for violating his Civil Rights??....PLEASE, say it ain't so....and what does this mean for obscene phone callers?..do they now have a RIGHT to be pervy on the phone?....slippery slope people...

Disregard My Last Post...
THIS ONE is now my favorite FrankJ quote...MUhahahahh

"At this rate, when we finally cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, the dogs are going to be old and have hip problems and just want to nap. And, then we'll have to explain to little Timmy that we need to put them down, and little Timmy will not understand. Little Timmy will start crying, "Please, mister, don't kill my war dogs!" and it will be a mess. "

Random Quotes from FrankJ
FrankJ from IMAO - and fearless leader of The Alliance, has started putting random quotes from some of his HILARIOUS posts up on the top of his blog...here is my favorite of the moment..

"NASA has come out and assured everyone they can't read minds. Why is it now, for the first time, I'm worried about NASA reading my mind."

Broken Car Blues
OK....have you ever really, REALLY wanted to kick yourself in the ass, but couldn't figure out how to get your foot back there to do it?....well, today was MY day to wanna kick my own ass..You know how sometimes - if you have a relatively new car - the manufacturer will send you a note that says something like, "It has come to our attention that the radiator cap on your model of car is sometimes faulty. Please take this card along with you on your next service visit, and the dealership will gladly give you a un-broken radiator cap"...ever got one of those notes?....hmmmm....

Well, Children...if you ever get one of those notes...whatEVER you do, DON'T say, "BWHAHA look at these dumbasses! My radiator cap is just fine!"...if you do, I can guarantee it'll come back to bite you in the ass...

I got a letter like that last week. It said that there was a slight possiblility that my ignition coils on my Audi would fail soon, and that they'd be glad to give me some good'uns when I took the car to the dealership....yeah right...my car runs GREAT, said I....

Well, YEAH!..of COURSE it runs great when the dang IGNITION COILS aren't BROKEN...sheesh....I am such a dumbass sometimes....

So, on my way to work this morning at 0605..on a dark country road, I cross the railroad tracks and BANG...suddenly my car starts shaking like I have a flat or something...so, I pull over and turn off the engine, check the tires, and everything is fine...I get back inside and crank her up, and there it is again...It is the engine...I know this because I just notice my "Emergency!! EJECT EJECT!! Check Engine Light" is on....so, I sit there....the car rattling like it is about to explode, and I think...I don't have a cell phone, and even if I did, the dang dealership isn't open, all the houses are full of well armed, god fearing Tennesseans - and I AIN'T knocking on their doors at 6AM...they need their sleep...and I make a decision...."Screw it...it is still under warranty, I'm driving to work."...and I did...so, that is why the blogging is later tonight than usual...they came by work with a tow truck, hauled the poor thing to Knoxville and replaced all four ignition coils...she ran great on the way home tonight..

The thing is...this ENTIRE endeavor was my fault...like I have said in a few of my posts...most of the good things AND bad things that happen to us are OUR OWN faults....I'm not a victim...I'm a dumbass....when someone takes the time to send you a message to fix your car, then FIX YOUR DAMN CAR!!....and if you don't....it is YOUR FAULT....

Why Men Die First...
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know!

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive buzzard.

If you make a decision without consulting her. ........you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.

If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape............you're vain.

If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.

If you're not....................you have no ambition.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

IT FINALLY ARRIVED...
After ordering it TWICE - the first order was cancelled because of some sort of technical difficulty in making the mug - I now am the proud owner of THE Mug....Now all I need to do is find a hippie to bludgeon with it....heheheheh

ANOTHER Good Joke...
First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry,
what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer
office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks
at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do
not have in mine?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a
question?

Harry replied:"Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?

Harry: "Coconut"

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a
woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

Happy Iraqis..
Quagmire!!....hahah..just kidding...Here is an update on what the Iraqis on the street think of our War.

"The war in Iraq has been worth the hardship, according to those who have lived through both.
Despite continued violence and few basic amenities, 62 percent of Baghdad residents believe the ousting of Saddam Hussein justified "any hardships they might have personally suffered," according to a Gallup poll released yesterday. "

"The numbers also revealed growing hope and confidence among Baghdad residents, though almost all felt their city had become more dangerous in recent months.
While one in three say postwar Iraq is better off now, 67 percent believe their country will be far improved in five years."

Nothing like starting a dreary Wednesday morning off with a little optimism..

New Quote of the Day....
Of course, I found it on Strange Cosmos....

"This world is a tragedy to those who feel; a comedy to those who think." -- Horace Walpole

"Wee Publican"
DAMN...BWHAHAHA.....my cousin Calvin is having another kid in a week and a half....so far, he has three boys...this'uns gonna be a boy too....JEEEZ Calvin...anyways, he works with me....and on Tuesday, we had a pseudo-baby-shower for his upcoming varmint....and we all watched him open the gifts in the conference room...everyone bought lotions, powders, diapers, etc....but I gave him a 1890 Victorian Gold Soverign...I figured the kid might like to have it when he gets a little older....anyway...ANOTHER of the gifts was a baby-bib...which had the Republican Elephant on it...and above the elephant it said ...."Wee Publican"....I almost collapsed from the laughter...anyway...he PROMISED to put it on the babe as SOON as it is born, and take a photo...trust me...it will be on THIS SITE as soon as he gives me the photo....BWHAHAHHAHA

It Ain't The Age...It's The Mileage..
I spoke with a friend today, and after many comments about life, love, children, sex, violence, trips overseas, hangovers, used cars, running out of lifesavers, and sprained egos....we both decided that this old chestnut of wisdom is true..."It ain't the age, it's the MILEAGE that counts"....for someone as young as I am, I am constantly amazed at how broke-down I am!! Not that it really bothers me, but in a twisted kinda way, it is pretty funny....and THAT is what this blog is about...stuff that is funny to me...be it satire, dirty jokes, stories about weirdos having sex with boulders in a Pennsylvania park, or Asshelmets who are too damn cheap to buy their date a meal....life is funny....Zevon said that we should "Enjoy every sandwich"...and he was right...Thornton Wilder, in his wonderful play "Our Town" said the same thing through the character of Emily at the end of the play...paraphrased, it said..."Do any of us really enjoy life every, EVERY day?"..to which the commentator says something like "The Saints and Poets, they do some...but no one ever enough"....damn....so the hell WHAT if your back hurts, or your knees are swollen, or you have Cancer, or you wife left you, or your daughter is in rehab...pick yourself up by the damn bootstraps and be thankful that you are BREATHING...

Every day that you are alive is another day that you can see how lucky you are to be here on this planet...even with our dickweed politicians, crazy ex-lovers, and weirdo TV shows...be AMUSED, people...that's what we're here for...don't take it all too seriously..and stand back and enjoy every sandwich......Because if you DON'T, then you might as well be dead already...

Like John Wayne said in The Alamo...."You may be walkin' around, but you're dead as a beaver hat"....

Alright...THIS Is What Happens When Governments Get Bored
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams in the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

UN Negotiations..
FrankJ, leader of The Alliance and satirist extrodinaire, has a scoop on what is REALLY happening behind those closed doors at the UN.....Rarr!!..visit it soon!

Typical...BLOODY Typical
FIRST of all, it is a war zone...SECONDLY, if I were shot at yesterday in a war zone, and some dude spins around with a HUGE piece of equipment on his shoulder - which looks like a RPG or Anti-tank Weapon today, I'm gonna drop the bastard with a well aimed shot from my M-16-A2 Service Rifle...I'll not wait till he starts lobbing rounds down range TOWARDS me....I'll drop him..So, now we have this article...which has a GREAT headline..and then slides into the mire of idiocy...It IS tragic that the guy got mistakenly killed....BUT, if he had been where he was supposed to, he'd be alive...the media needs to fully understand that this is a war, and not an opportunity for them to go out and get a suntan...

"Human Rights Watch cited the killing Tuesday in a statement charging that overaggressive reactions by U.S. forces were putting journalists and other civilians in unnecessary danger.

"As attacks against them continue, U.S. soldiers are sometimes resorting to deadly force in a reckless and indiscriminate way," said Joe Stork, acting executive director of Human Rights Watch's Middle East and North Africa Division. "This puts all civilians, not just journalists, at grave risk."

Mr Stork, ...shut the hell up...Get the whole article here...

No Posts Last Night
Weeeel, Ladies and Gentlemen....my cousin Brad came over last night and kept me busy kicking his butt on the pool table...so I didn't get a chance to blog last night...dangit...anyway, on the BRIGHT side, I whooped his butt.....7 games to 2....and after a bit too much Scotch, 7 to 3...Mheh...looks like those Sunday butt-kickin lessons that Steve gives me are finally starting to pay off....I now know where I am on the pool table food chain...not as good as Steve..but BETTER than Brad...BWHAHAHA

Problems With My HTML..
I have been informed of late, by the lovely Kelley, that my website often did not have a scrollbar for viewing all of the site. Evidently, this is a common problem with Blogspot. Anyway, many thanks, Kelley for the kind words about my humble blog, and the HTML tips. I have implemented the changes, and if anyone has any trouble, please feel FREE to drop me a line.

All the best,

Eric

Tasteless Joke of the Day...
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.

He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you! You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.

Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

North and South

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
-
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
-
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
-
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
-
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
-
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
-
The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.
-
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
-
In the South:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four- wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
-
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... do not buy food at this store.
-
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's is plural possessive.
-
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
-
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective big'ol" truck or "big'ol" boy.

Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
-
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
-
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you
should stay out of the way. Those may well be the last words he'll ever say.
-
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
-
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
-
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

THIS Is A Real Cracker!!
An Irishman named Patty Murphy went to Dr. O' Conner after a long illness. The doctor, after a thorough examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. You have less than a month to live. You best be preparing for what lies before you."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.There he saw his son, who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's be off to the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them ho the Irish celebrate both the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends: "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends, quite shocked, gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?

Murphy nodded, "Yes, my son, I am dying from cancer."

"Then," asked the son, "how come you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy smiled, "It's just I don't want any of my friends sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

DOD Short on Chem/Bio Protective Suits??
What is going on with THIS article?...I fail to understand how, with the current climate of NBC weapons in just about ALL theaters of operations that our troops might have to fight in...that we have a dang SHORTAGE of the most important piece of kit they'll need....

"WASHINGTON - The Pentagon doesn't have enough protective suits to keep U.S. troops safe from chemical or biological attacks, congressional investigators said Monday.

Inventories of the suits are millions short of what the Pentagon says it needs and the shortages will worsen in coming years under current spending plans, the General Accounting Office report said. The problem is compounded by the use of thousands of the suits during the war in Iraq and the looming expiration dates of some older suits, the report said."

Your Dose of Robert Service For the Day...
Alright....I know...I KNOW...you people don't like me going on and ON about R. W. Service..but that's TOO DAMN BAD..Here comes another one....and if you DON'T read it, you'll be sorrry for it in the morning....

This one goes out to all of those who have loved and lost...with a BIG smirk on their faces...and...ONCE AGAIN, you MUST read this out loud...to your kids, girlfriends, boyfriends, dog, hamster, what EVER....even if it is just out loud to yourself....SPEAK it...his poems demand it...

Maternity, By Robert Service
"There once was a Square, such a square little Square,
And he loved a trim Triangle;
But she was a flirt and around her skirt
Vainly she made him dangle.
Oh he wanted to wed and he had no dread
Of domestic woes and wrangles;
For he thought that his fate was to procreate
Cute little Squares and Triangles.

Now it happened one day on that geometric way
There swaggered a big bold Cube.
With a haughty stare and he made that Square
Have the air of a perfect boob;
To his solid spell the Triangle fell,
And she thrilled with love's sweet sickness,
For she took delight in his breadth and height -
But how she adored his thickness!

So that poor little Square just died of despair,
For his love he could not strangle;
While the bold Cube led to the bridal bed
That cute and acute Triangle.
The Square's sad lot she has long forgot,
And his passionate pretensions . . .
For she dotes on her kids-Oh such cute Pyramids
In a world of three dimensions. "

HOLY CRAP!!!
OMG...We now have a TIE...for the most commented post..."The Sea Lion Who Sleeps With The Fishes" and "Whiny Bitches in Crossville, Tennessee "...BWHAHAHAH...ok...someone post on either one of these so that we can break the tie...Nature hates a vacuum...so, one of these HAS to be better than the other...get TO IT, boys and girls....HAHAHAHH..show me your TRUE spirit....

Haven't Posted a DANG thing...
Been readin' other people's blogs...and dammit, if I haven't run out of booze again...beee right back...sometimes, ....watching your hit counter, or thinking up things to blog isn't HALF as much fun as reading OTHER people's rants....

I Am Suddenly Reminded of Jimmy Buffett
Once upon a time, when I was in Pensacola....I bought my first Buffet album..it was a double tape called "Wish You Were There"...and it was two tapes of live recordings of him and the Coral Reefer Band at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta, and some place in Miami...anyway...there was a line he said just before starting to sing...."Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw?"...

I, sitting here, have just had that pop into my head...that immortal line...here is roughly what he said....

"I do these interviews from time to time..and the Interviewer's always say.."So, which way is your music heading?"....and I say.."South".......and then, the Interviewers always say..."One thing we've always been intrigued by is...how you can write such really sensitive songs...and then write that real TRASH!"....and I say...."Weeeeelll....I can be real sensitive on occasion...and real TRASHY on others...."

heheheh....that is the way I feel about my blog....MU AHHAHAHAHA

OK...Another Joke...
I know that my jokes are not exactly what you might expect...heheh...but, DAMN, I love this joke...

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. -- So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Roma da..."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really...What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

Man...if I had a dollar for every person I met that was like this hairdresser, I'd be Emperor of Honduras by now....

You People....I JUST Don't Understand..
I post something like "A Story From My Childhood" and it gets nuttin'...and I post a photo of a decapitated varmint, and I get more comments than any on my previous posts....this bloggin' deal is a real bear to understand...BHWAHHA....you people are nuts...but in a "good" way...of course, 5 comments isn't exactly a large number, but HELL, gimme a break...I've only been doing this for two weeks......hang on...I gotta go and get more Scotch...beeee right back..

The Sea Lion Who Sleeps With the Fishes
In a new headline straight from the far Northwest, a headless sea lion has been found washed ashore. There was no identification on the animal, the animal was in very good shape - except for being headless and dead. It appears that the mafia is once again becoming active in the Pacific Seal Lion community. "This was obviously a hit...more than likely carried out by "Fish Breath Vinny", said Officer Strickland...."Vinny is a well known Sea Lion racketeer from the Seattle/Tacoma area, and we've been after him for sometime now."

Airforce Fitness Training???
The US Airforce finally decides to start Physical Training?...BWHAHHAAA!!

"In the Marines, where unit exercise is a corps specialty, one expert on physical training thinks the Air Force would be on the right track with exercise programs that could be done anywhere.

The Air Force has developed some really splendid gyms, but all a workout program should need in the modern, mobile military is "a little patch of real estate and the will," said Lt. Col. Brian McGuire"

Get the whole scoop here.....

Whiny Bitches in Crossville, Tennessee
On my way back from Nashville yesterday, I met an absolute asshelmet. ...While having dinner at Red Lobster, a couple come in and walk past us...and sit down in the booth directly behind me. They order their drinks, then they order their meal...their meal arrives...they eat the meal...and just as we are getting ready to leave, the manager of the restaurant comes around asking everyone if they enjoyed their meals, etc....Now, OUR TABLE had great service, great food, etc...and the table behind us got the same service, and almost the same food...oh, and BY THE WAY, both of these asshat's plates were CLEAN...and I mean LICKED CLEAN...I noticed this...beCAUSE the guy - who was obviously on a date, had the nerve to complain to the manager that he hadn't enjoyed his food....of course, the manager was embarrassed and organized to give the man and his date the meal for free....I actually said, loud enough for this freeloading prick to hear, "We live in a world of whiny little bitches, who'll use ANY excuse to try to rip off people who actually WORK for a living...all of these WHINY little mutants should be taken out and strangled, because wasting a bullet on them would be too expensive"....sure, I was in a bad mood, and had spent 8 hours in a car that day...but good LORD...we DO live in a world of slimy, whiny little creeps....The guy didn't say a word..but I know he and his "date" heard me....plus, can you just imagine how much of a cheap bastard you look like to your "date" when you try to mooch a free meal....

sorry...just my Monday morning Rant....

Alrighty...I, evidently, am Hades....
I just took this test....which I found via a link from Dax's page to Suburban Blight...


Hades


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Funny...I always pictured myself as a light-hearted kinda guy...hahahahahaha

Back From Nashville
I just crawled back in from Nashville after visiting my Brother. Man, what a long trip that is. Totally mentally and physically draining. He is always in the best of spirits for his circumstances, and I truly admire him for that. Anyway, back to work in the morning....

On a side note, Black Five has a great post about his experience at his MEPs physical...for the un-initiated, that is his Military Entry Processing....for most of us, it was our FIRST experience of being told to turn our heads and "cough"...Mheh...

A Story From My Childhood
This is a story that I was reminded of recently by my friend, Mike. Once upon a time, when Mike and I were in Mr. Studdard's 5th Grade Social Studies class, we made a decision. My Great Uncle, who was a 4th Mar Div veteran of Iwo Jima, Siapan, Roi Namur, and many other Pacific Battles, had come to visit with my family. He brought with him a copy of Leatherneck Magazine. I, like most kids, thought that the magazine was incredible - The photos and stories of the Marines doing their thing. I also got to hear some of his stories about HIS experience in the Pacific.

He left the magazine with me, and he and his wife traveled back to Kentucky. For the next few days, I read that thing at LEAST 25 times. Inside of it, there was a recruiting insert. It was one of these mail-in cards. The idea being that you would fill out the information and mail it to the Marine Corps, and then they would have your local recruiter call you up for a chat..

I had always loved to listen to my Father's tales about being a Marine in Vietnam. I was never pushed by my family to join the military in any way. But, a few weeks after my Great Uncle had left me with the magazine, the Barracks in Beirut was bombed. The next week at school, Mike and I joined the Marine Corps. We filled out the little card and mailed it in. We were angry little boys, and the USMC seemed like the answer.

Two weeks later, we both got a large manila envelope in the mail with official markings from Washington. We thought our time had come.. Inside our envelopes, there was a very formal letter to each of us stating that the Marines appreciated our interest in their organization, but since he was 12,...and I was 11...we'd have to wait for a while before joining their ranks. They DID include a groovy iron-on Eagle, Globe, and Anchor for us to have our Mother's iron onto our favorite white cotton shirt.

Mike found his shirt recently, and called me up to remind me of this story. The story about the time we joined the Corps. Mike went on to study Electrical Engineering at the University of Tennessee...and he now works as a Robotics Engineer at a Manufacturing Plant here in Tennessee....He also came to Scotland to act as the Best Man at my wedding...

I was in Scotland...because I WAS in the Corps at the time...I joined up when I was 16 and spent about 9 months on the delayed entry program...I graduated from High School on March 25th, and was at Parris Island, SC for Recruit Training on March 28th....I had a WHOLE weekend between High School and the Marines....I spent almost 5 years in the Corps, and Mike spent almost 5 years at UT...we BOTH got one hell of an education.

Cowboy Wisdom...
1. Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Neve ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
8. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter, don't be surprised if it learns its lesson.
9. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
10. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it in.

Toilet Humor, Nose-Picking, and General Idiocy
"Since 1991, Abrahams has been handing out Ig Nobels -- prizes awarded to people whose achievements "cannot or should not be reproduced." .....

"Among the gaffes that won Quayle his Ig were: "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it" and, "Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite"...........

"Excessive age of the toilets was implicated as a causative factor. As many toilets get older episodes of collapse may become more common, resulting in further injuries," the doctors wrote in their groundbreaking 1993 paper. "...

These are just a FEW of the enlightening quotes from this article...

Friends
We all have a few good friends....someone that you can talk to...who laughs at your jokes....gives you advice....givers you a swift kick in the ass if you need it.....etc....some of us are lucky enough to have a BUNCH of friends...I have quite a few friends, but only a small selection that I would consider my "GOOD" friends...Some of them, I see everyday...others, I see once or twice a year and we act like only a week has passed...Good Friends are a truly priceless commodity....So, I write this now...to thank those people...From Alaska to North Carolina, Scotland to Bangladesh, Tennessee to Sacramento, and Washington to Florida...thanks guys and gals....you guys know who you are...and I miss you all...

Tennesse Pulled It Off
Thank God for Florida turnovers, and Hail Mary passes....anyway,...enough of that....back to the real world....

The Rugby World Cup kicks off next month in Australia...this is the first time that team USA has even qualified for the tournament...Best of luck to them...they play Scotland on October 21st...so, on that day, I will be living in a house divided....Good luck, boys....hit'em hard...

I won't be blogging much tomorrow..I'll be in Nashvegas visiting my Brother...

Liberalism in the Batcave
The Vast Right-wing Conspiracy has a GREAT Batman story...Batman should have just bitch-slapped Robin EARLIER in the conversation.....

My Birthday is Coming Up...
And THIS is what I want.....hmmm...maybe THIS would look better in my office at work....

Actually, everything at this site is pretty damn funny.....thanks to The Drunken Blogger for the heads-up...

Football Time in Gainesville..
Today at high noon, the Vols visit the Swamp....It should be a great game... you can almost TASTE the rivaly... I found this tidbit on WIVK's website and thought I'd throw it up here... GO VOLS!



"This water tower was done by troops from the 101st Airborne from Ft. Campbell, who've been in Iraq since March. The commander is a die-hard UT fan, and thought he and his guys would put a little bit of UT pride in Iraq !!

The 101st has been very busy in Iraq collecting weapons, commanding soldiers, etc. However, these past few days, the commander took on a mission of a different kind. As a proud UT Alumnus, he will probably not be here for this football season; however, even in Iraq, he's still found a way to support his team. This week, the commander hired several Iraqi civilians, using his own soldiers, to pull security, to paint this water tower. I guess now he feels a little more at home." Now that's a Big Orange fan!"

BAD Joke for the Weekend..The Lazy Mortician..
Mrs. Murphy goes into a funeral home to make arrangementrs for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that her husband's last words were to be buried in a dark blue suit.

Mr. Levy, the funeral director, says: "It would be a lot easier to bury him in a black suit that he's wearing."

Mrs. Murphy responds: "It was my poor Sean's last wishes! It must be a blue suit. Here's a blank check to cover the cost."

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells Mr. Levy how much she loves the suit.

"And how much did it cost?" she asks.

The funeral director smiles: "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow, Mrs. Chan, if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her...

"So... I just switched the heads."

Words Simply Escape Me Right Now...
We live in a world that is full of wonderous sights...Mountains shining on the horizon, Valleys where trout jump in crystaline brooks...but DAMN....can you imagine walking through a park in PA and seeing this crazy bastard?

"One witness told police they saw the man lying naked on top of the rock on the Youghiogheny River Trail, reports The Valley Independent.

The witness said he was thrusting himself against the rock in a simulated sex act. Another witness told police he stood on top of the rock and exposed himself."

A Bit Off Color - But still Political...in a round-a-bout sorta way...
Here I go again...lowering the tone of this blog MORE and MORE everyday....sorry people, but it seems that everyone is talking about the CaliPORNia elections...I just thought I'd throw this in for fun....I'm not saying that Lap Dances are a good OR a bad thing...after all, we are all adults......but, isn't ANYTHING that is tax decutable a good thing??

"LOS ANGELES -- Porn star Mary Carey, who is running for governor on a platform that includes a promise to make lap dances tax deductible, wasn't happy about the City Council vote banning physical contact between entertainers and customers at strip clubs.

"It's ridiculous," Carey said after learning the council voted unanimously Tuesday to ban lap dances at strip clubs, bikini bars and adult bookstores.

The lap-dance law isn't having an impact on her campaign, however.

"They are tax deductible if I win this election," she said. "

Can you just IMAGINE this on the Discovery Channel?
Avert your eyes now, Children....things are about to get x-rated....No one has ever even SEEN a live Giant Squid...and NOW, the Scientists think they can get the beast to perform the most intimate of acts on video for the whole world to see...sound to me like these squid are a bit shy, but...when you have someone hunting you that has a bag full of gonads in his freezer, he is HAAAARD to stop...poor little critters....

"Because the animals are migrating into New Zealand waters to breed, they are very randy," the Auckland University of Technology researcher said.

"The freezer bag at home - to my wife's disgust - is actually full of giant squid gonad samples. We're going to grind all of this up, and we're going to have this puree coming out from the camera, squirting into the water.

"Hopefully the male giant squid, absolutely driven into a frenzy, is going to come up and try to mate with the camera.

"This is the dream - we're going to get this sensational footage of the giant squid trying to do obscene things with the camera"

Students in LOGAN, UTAH Build Nuclear Reactor
Dear Lord......we have half of the known world trying to get nuclear weapons and nuclear power, and FRESHMEN students in Utah create a reactor out of JUNK PARTS they found lying around!!....America...WHAT a country....

"Wallace, a baby-faced tennis player fresh out of Spanish Fork High School, had almost the entire physics faculty of Utah State University hovering (and arguing) over an apparatus he had cobbled together from parts salvaged from junk yards and charity drops.

The apparatus is nothing less than the sine qua non of modern science: a nuclear fusion reactor, based on the plans of Utah's own Philo Farnsworth, the inventor of television."

A Woman's Revenge..
A few days ago, I posted about how "important" the TV Remote Control is...well, I just found this little tidbit, and thought I'd share..

"Cash, check or charge?" the teller asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet the teller noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

The Annual Festival of the Ugly.
This guy has been fighting for the "Rights of Ugly People"....in Italy....Damn...there may be hope for us Ugly People yet...BWHAHA

"Mr Iacobelli has built a shrine to ugliness inside his house.

A slogan painted on the board reads: "The women of the ugly are always happy."

The head of a wild boar - the club's emblem - is mounted over a door. The club's crest features a reclining man smoking a pipe with the slogan: "Ugliness is a virtue, beauty is slavery."

Big Brother's Getting Pervy...
Wow....maybe it is true that technology does isolate us more and more...if this guy had ACTUALLY been standing on the corner doing this, I pretty much can guarantee that one of these Ladies' beaus would beat him to a pulp...BUT, since he is safe behind his technology, he gets a little braver...I know that there is a little bit of the voyeur in all of us - even if some of us won't admit it, but DANG, this is just creepy...I mean, it is bad enough to know Big Brother is watching you...but thinking that all he is REALLY doing is checking your date's tits just pisses me off....

"The Strip camera operator(s) manipulated the camera to zoom in on several college-aged women's breasts and buttocks as they walked down the street. The operator(s) also captured a group of young men who had spotted the camera's movement and were making various gestures and movements."

Arrrgh...Avast Ye Matey, Another Joke
The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job: Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he gets greedy and decides to keep the money. He then stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection money is late. The godfather then sends a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods find the deaf collector they ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoodlums drag the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says, he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hoodlum pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turns to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. And, he also said, he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"