August 24, 2005
Munuvia is burning....
.. whoa... poor Pixy.... so many blogs nix'd in one fell swoop.... good luck, bro.... and get that damn tip jar working... you deserve more than just a pat on the back for all your hard work.. I mean that..
October 23, 2003
Movable Type...here I come...
Alright...stand by for an announcement....I am now at www.straightwhiteguy.com
Thanks to a HUGE amount of help from The King of Fools, I am now up and running...well, walking...dangit...crawling..on a new MT installation...so, wish me luck...anyway, I know the site sucks right now, but bear with me...
...after all..this IS a growing experience....HA!
Thanks to a HUGE amount of help from The King of Fools, I am now up and running...well, walking...dangit...crawling..on a new MT installation...so, wish me luck...anyway, I know the site sucks right now, but bear with me...
...after all..this IS a growing experience....HA!
Give this Gentleman his Medal
I've seen Russian "trawlers" in international waters before...yeah, right...fishing boats, my ass....hunks of junk with more electronic spook equipment than you could shake a stick at...we had our own ELINT ships...USNS Observation Island, for instance....but, at least we didn't try to disguise them as civilian ships....anyway, THIS GUY got his eyes damaged by the ENEMY, as far as I'm concerned...now give him his Purple Heart....
"Lt. Cmdr. Daly, who has since retired, was injured while photographing the Russian merchant ship Kapitan Mann, which was gathering intelligence on a U.S. nuclear submarine in the Strait of Juan de Fuca, northwest of Washington state's Puget Sound, on April 4, 1997.
After several passes aboard a Canadian military helicopter, the intelligence officer and the pilot, Canadian Capt. Pat Barnes, suffered injuries to their eyes that doctors found were consistent with laser illumination. The Russian military has used lasers to thwart surveillance in the past. "
Another version of THIS STORY is here....
"Lt. Cmdr. Daly, who has since retired, was injured while photographing the Russian merchant ship Kapitan Mann, which was gathering intelligence on a U.S. nuclear submarine in the Strait of Juan de Fuca, northwest of Washington state's Puget Sound, on April 4, 1997.
After several passes aboard a Canadian military helicopter, the intelligence officer and the pilot, Canadian Capt. Pat Barnes, suffered injuries to their eyes that doctors found were consistent with laser illumination. The Russian military has used lasers to thwart surveillance in the past. "
Another version of THIS STORY is here....
This just in...
Italy funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis was wider than its shaft. The study took two years and cost over 180,000 Euros. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis was wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct its own study on the same subject. The French were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of 250,000.000 Euros. the French concluded that the head of a man's penis was wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released,
England decided to conduct its own penis study. The English didn't really trust the Italian or French studies.After nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of approximately thirty-six pounds, the English study reached the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis was wider than its shaft was to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct its own study on the same subject. The French were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of 250,000.000 Euros. the French concluded that the head of a man's penis was wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released,
England decided to conduct its own penis study. The English didn't really trust the Italian or French studies.After nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of approximately thirty-six pounds, the English study reached the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis was wider than its shaft was to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Note to Hunters
.....hunting season is upon us....I've never liked fishing, but I do enjoy hunting....this link here should be viewed by EVERY fisherman...and hunter...that visit my site....
...you'll never look at fishing the same way again....I promise...heh...
PETA won't like it very much...and if you did THIS, Dax, you would'nt need that muzzleloader....
...you'll never look at fishing the same way again....I promise...heh...
PETA won't like it very much...and if you did THIS, Dax, you would'nt need that muzzleloader....
My Wife is a Nut
OK...she just CC'd me on an e-mail she sent to her folks back in Scotland....I think it is hilarious....I think it looks like she is making the adjustment from Scotland to Tennessee VERY well...hehehehe.....let me give you a little background...A couple of months ago, she had to take a "Written English Test" for her job.. .now.. .English IS her first language...as a matter of fact, it is her ONLY language..but, because she earned her degree overseas, she has to play by the rules and take these dang tests...so, LAST week, she took her "Written English Test"....of course, she aced both tests...but, here is what she sent to her folks...
"Deear Mom n Pop
Ah did reel goode oan mah eengliz eagzam.Ah wel tell y'all ahboot et oan oar nxt telephonication conversationne.
Wer boath well,Hop y'all ar two. We are goan up to Gatlinburg again thiz weekend and will be innncommune-icado from Friday until Sunday nite, stayin at a reel nice shalley so eric telz me. Verry sory weel not be abel to tok. We will hav much to tolk abou6t the necks wikend.
eric luvvd hiz prezintz we had much lAFFIN ovir th book picshers an ah thoat th big simmit wiz reel classey.
Meen wile, eric iz havvin appoplexi ovir the scoatlind/americy rugbi scoare but woant tel me wy!! (cood it bee that scoatlind WUNNE??? ah huv to weight til tomoro til its' oan oor teevee to fin oot- heez no tellin me nuthin.
luv te ye boath
fionarr xxxxxx"
"Deear Mom n Pop
Ah did reel goode oan mah eengliz eagzam.Ah wel tell y'all ahboot et oan oar nxt telephonication conversationne.
Wer boath well,Hop y'all ar two. We are goan up to Gatlinburg again thiz weekend and will be innncommune-icado from Friday until Sunday nite, stayin at a reel nice shalley so eric telz me. Verry sory weel not be abel to tok. We will hav much to tolk abou6t the necks wikend.
eric luvvd hiz prezintz we had much lAFFIN ovir th book picshers an ah thoat th big simmit wiz reel classey.
Meen wile, eric iz havvin appoplexi ovir the scoatlind/americy rugbi scoare but woant tel me wy!! (cood it bee that scoatlind WUNNE??? ah huv to weight til tomoro til its' oan oor teevee to fin oot- heez no tellin me nuthin.
luv te ye boath
fionarr xxxxxx"
Bad Joke of the Day
On the day of their 50th wedding anniversary, the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on.
She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."
She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."
October 22, 2003
Ode to FrankJ
Everyone, I'm SURE, knows about FrankJ's great hatred of Monkeys....so, with him in mind, I am posting this little monkey story...I have no idea where it came from, but I've had it in my inbox for ages...so, being that I'm in a sharing mood...here you go...
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I'd hand them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I'd hand them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.
Drinkin' for a Good Cause
Looks like Geoffrey is in for a pretty good weekend...He's busy joining in with a bunch of rebel-rousers who are planning a pub crawl for charity....now THERE is an idea...being sponsored to drink...dang..some guys have all the luck.....anyway, go on over to Dog Snot Diaries and put a few tips in the jar....after all, helping someone get toasty AND raising money for a worthy cause is a DOUBLE GOOD reason to throw some money his way...so...shooo...get on over there...
Baby Photo Time
awww...cute, huh?....well, this is my newest cousin, Major...anyway, as promised a while back, here is the little guy in his "wee publican" bib...sorry for the photo quality, but the little guy wouldn't stay still...he kept squirming around...I guess babies do that kinda stuff...although, if I knew someone was going to post my photo on the internet, I'd probably be trying to get away too...
October 21, 2003
Magnetic Fridge Poetry....
I was just over at Bad Money's site.....and...an idea hit me..he posts a lot of "love notes" to his wife that he has found, written, and collected over the years...well, to be truthful, it touched me...and so, I decided I'd go and look on my fridge and see if there was any poems...sure enough, there was...
Two years ago, my wife bought me a box of magnetic words....they come in all shapes and sizes, ...for instance, sport...erotic...funny, etc....well...guess which one I got for Christmas? eh?...yep...the erotic one so...occasionaly, when we have parties, or whatever, people stand around in the kitchen while I mix them a drink...their eyes ALWAYS find their way to the poems on the fridge....so, they ask about them, and I say..."you wanna make one up?"...and I hand them the box of magnetic words...man....they sure come up with some WEIRD stuff...for instance...her is one of our visitor's poems......
that tremendous violent bottom
always grind behind me shaft
as we worship madly breast
smooth glisten moan & kiss knob
purr ask finger embrace ball
burn head pretty feather....
now, personally..that poem is just crazy...she must have been on acid or something...
anyway...here is the one that I put on the fridge....prepare yourselves...this one is a DOOZY...ha..
hands only
lip tremble
feel it perfect
sweat for him
slick juice
every slide
ass must be in air
beg to come
pant through waves
rock nude
to the top of joy..
..dang.."rock nude to the top of joy" must be the best line I've ever written....whew..sorry folks..there goes the tone of this blog..once again...
Two years ago, my wife bought me a box of magnetic words....they come in all shapes and sizes, ...for instance, sport...erotic...funny, etc....well...guess which one I got for Christmas? eh?...yep...the erotic one so...occasionaly, when we have parties, or whatever, people stand around in the kitchen while I mix them a drink...their eyes ALWAYS find their way to the poems on the fridge....so, they ask about them, and I say..."you wanna make one up?"...and I hand them the box of magnetic words...man....they sure come up with some WEIRD stuff...for instance...her is one of our visitor's poems......
that tremendous violent bottom
always grind behind me shaft
as we worship madly breast
smooth glisten moan & kiss knob
purr ask finger embrace ball
burn head pretty feather....
now, personally..that poem is just crazy...she must have been on acid or something...
anyway...here is the one that I put on the fridge....prepare yourselves...this one is a DOOZY...ha..
hands only
lip tremble
feel it perfect
sweat for him
slick juice
every slide
ass must be in air
beg to come
pant through waves
rock nude
to the top of joy..
..dang.."rock nude to the top of joy" must be the best line I've ever written....whew..sorry folks..there goes the tone of this blog..once again...
Sorry..it's that time again...
Yip, it is Robert Service time!! WHOOO HOO......uh huh...whatever, I know how excited you all are...anyway, here is another little tidbit that I've always enjoyed...quit your bitchin' and just read it...out loud...seriously...no one is listening to you anyway...besides....it has a GREAT line in it that you can use over and over and over again..."If they just went straight they might go far"..now THAT is wisdom...anyone got a boss or manager like that?...yeah..I thought so...
The Men Who Don't Fit In...
There's a race of men that don't fit in,
A race that can't stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain's crest;
Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don't know how to rest.
If they just went straight they might go far;
They are strong and brave and true;
But they're always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They say: "Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!"
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.
And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win in the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets that his prime is past,
Till he stands one day, with a hope that's dead,
In the glare of the truth at last.
He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life's been a jolly good joke on him,
And now is the time to laugh.
Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;
He was never meant to win;
He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone;
He's a man who won't fit in.
by R. W. Service
The Men Who Don't Fit In...
There's a race of men that don't fit in,
A race that can't stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain's crest;
Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don't know how to rest.
If they just went straight they might go far;
They are strong and brave and true;
But they're always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They say: "Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!"
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.
And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win in the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets that his prime is past,
Till he stands one day, with a hope that's dead,
In the glare of the truth at last.
He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life's been a jolly good joke on him,
And now is the time to laugh.
Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;
He was never meant to win;
He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone;
He's a man who won't fit in.
by R. W. Service
A Confession from my Life....
When no one is around, I sing to myself...I think it is the only time that I can get away with it...usually, when I sing, people throw things at me...and then, I have to either get up and punch them in the napper, or run away...or quit singing....I'm a pretty horrible singer...and I guess I bring it on myself, but I like to sing old songs...I think the singers just sang better back then...singers like Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, Dean Martin, the Andrews Sisters...I just love that music..."Big Band" kinda stuff....and today at work, I was making coffee...and I was blissfully doing my best imitation of Sinatra's "Fly Me To the Moon"...when I noticed I was being watched...DAMMIT.....I hate that....anyway, the person who saw me had never even heard that song....which, of course, made the whole matter worse....then I had to stop and explain to this person who Sinatra was, etc, etc....man, maybe I should just stop singing...or be more vigilant about watching who might be sneaking up on me...on an upside, at least I wasn't singing a Stones song and doing a Mick Jagger imitation..now THAT would have been too much to bear.....so, maybe I should just look on the bright side, eh?....anyway...for those of you unfortunates who don't know the song of which I'm talking about....here it is...do yourself a favor...go buy the CD....and then sing...like no one is watching....
Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what Spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand!
In other words, darling, kiss me
Fill my heart with song
And let me sing for-ever-more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true!
In other words, I love you!
Quit laughing, dammit.....I know, I know....
Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what Spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand!
In other words, darling, kiss me
Fill my heart with song
And let me sing for-ever-more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true!
In other words, I love you!
Quit laughing, dammit.....I know, I know....
More on Smoking Bans
I agree with this site's post....reminds me of a protester I saw Cambridge Mass. one time....back in 1997...he was dressed as a giant cigarette...complete with a giant filter for a hat...and he was ringing a bell with one hand, and smoking a cigarette with the other....and in between bell ringing, he'd yell at the top of his lungs...
"SMOKE'M IF YA GOT'EM!!...when cigarettes are outlawed, only OUTLAWS will smoke cigarettes"....
he must have been a student at Harvard....
"SMOKE'M IF YA GOT'EM!!...when cigarettes are outlawed, only OUTLAWS will smoke cigarettes"....
he must have been a student at Harvard....
Size Matters...
It seems that "Short People" are mad now....those brainiacs at the University of Florida have figured out that "Tall People" get paid more...I don't believe that crap for a minute...I suppose somebody wants us tall people to say we're sorry for being tall....and that we don't intend to hurt their feelings, or make them feel "vertically challenged" or whatever......sheesh....it DOESN'T MATTER how tall or short you are....quit whining!..get out there and do a GOOD JOB, and you'll make more money!....People can take statistics and make them look like ANYTHING they want to....this really reminds me of that old quote...
"statistics, damn lies, and statistics.."..or something like that...
"Height matters for career success," said Timothy Judge, a University of Florida management professor whose research will appear in the spring issue of the Journal of Applied Psychology.
"These findings are troubling in that, with a few exceptions such as professional basketball, no one could argue that height is an essential ability required for job performance nor a bona fide occupational qualification."
"statistics, damn lies, and statistics.."..or something like that...
"Height matters for career success," said Timothy Judge, a University of Florida management professor whose research will appear in the spring issue of the Journal of Applied Psychology.
"These findings are troubling in that, with a few exceptions such as professional basketball, no one could argue that height is an essential ability required for job performance nor a bona fide occupational qualification."
BAAAD Joke of the Day...
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "Taking off her blouse," "She's taking off her blouse," "Blouse is coming off," "Taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "Taking off her skirt," "She's taking off her skirt," "Skirt's coming off," "Taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line: "She's taking off her bra!" "She's taking off her bra!" "She's taking off her bra!" etc.
Then Grumpy said, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower: "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" etc.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"
And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "Taking off her blouse," "She's taking off her blouse," "Blouse is coming off," "Taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "Taking off her skirt," "She's taking off her skirt," "Skirt's coming off," "Taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line: "She's taking off her bra!" "She's taking off her bra!" "She's taking off her bra!" etc.
Then Grumpy said, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower: "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" "She's taking off her panties!" etc.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"
And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
Waiting to Exhale
I was in Nashville for the weekend last Saturday....I stayed at the Holiday Inn Select near the Opry Mills Mall....it was a nice hotel, in a good location...close to just about everything you'd want to see in Nashville...just a quick taxi ride from anything....but the "mood" of the hotel was the real kicker......in the past, I have gotten used to most hotels across this planet having a "no smoking" sign on every vertical surface....especially the lounge and reception areas...not that I'm a chain smoker or anything, but I don't like being forced to go outside every time I want to light up....but, here, it was different...as soon as you walked into the place, they had a little shop selling candy and drinks...and CIGARS...glorious cigars....the reception area in this place was great - complete with big comfy chairs, coffee tables, and a marble floor...and ashtrays on the coffee table...I thought that was the coolest thing....so, when waiting for our taxi into town, I sat and had a smoke...I know, it is a simple pleasure...BUT, hey, I'll take them where I can get'em....I just love Smoker Friendly hotels....it was so nice to actually feel "welcome" to smoke in a public place..
October 20, 2003
And Now for Something Completely Different...
Alright, I normally post weird and crazy stuff, but this is SERIOUS.....I have a problem, and maybe some of you people can help...I have played acoustic guitar for almost 16 years now..although, you wouldn't know it to listen to me...I still sound like a beginner...anyway, my problem is that my sweat absolutely EATS guitar strings for breakfast...I normally play with Martin Extra Light gauge Bronze strings...and after two weeks, the stings still sound OK, but they are tarnished to HELL....and a week later, they start to go dead...I have tried non-bronze strings, and they fell victim to the same fate...dirty, tarnished, and dead by the third week....so, here is my question...if anyone who reads my blog plays guitar, can you offer any suggestions?...I bought some "Finger Ease" silicon spray, and that only seems to delay the reaction for a week or so...
So, what I want to know is...am I just supposed to deal with this, and accept the fact that I will purchase new strings every month, or is there a "super" set of strings out there somewhere that can handle my acidic sweat....and before you ask, YES, I wipe down the guitar after every playing, and it STILL doesn't help...dangit...
So, what I want to know is...am I just supposed to deal with this, and accept the fact that I will purchase new strings every month, or is there a "super" set of strings out there somewhere that can handle my acidic sweat....and before you ask, YES, I wipe down the guitar after every playing, and it STILL doesn't help...dangit...
A Precautionary Tale...
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened!"
"But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened!"
"But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
The Corner of the Bar Gang..
Well, I've been included in an illustrious group of drinkers and gropers over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon...I can't wait to get over there tonight and listen to the "war" stories...although, I might be in a weeee bit of trouble...only been in the "gang" 24 hours, and ALREADY I've been caught oggling at Serenity's floppy bits....DANG....Willie was NOT supposed to mention that!!...I can feel that rolling pin banging into my noggin already, and I ain't EVEN started towards home yet...heh...but, it seems that a good time was had by all, though....I don't seem to remember much that happened after we did the last tequila shot....
Dog Breath?
BWHAHAHAHAH....sorry....but, BHWHAHAHAAHAH...and my Father-in-Law was a DENTIST in Scotland...oh, the Horror...
"LONDON (Reuters) - More than half of Britons could have breath that smells worse that their pet's, according to a survey.
And women are the worst offenders, with three out of five failing a sulphur emissions test, according to research by toothpaste manufacturer Aquafresh.
"Some mouths may be dirtier than cat litter," dentist Brian Grieveson said in a statement that accompanied the research released on Thursday."
"LONDON (Reuters) - More than half of Britons could have breath that smells worse that their pet's, according to a survey.
And women are the worst offenders, with three out of five failing a sulphur emissions test, according to research by toothpaste manufacturer Aquafresh.
"Some mouths may be dirtier than cat litter," dentist Brian Grieveson said in a statement that accompanied the research released on Thursday."
Quickie Joke of the Day
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
In my mind, this quote ranks right up there with "If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so yummy..."
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
In my mind, this quote ranks right up there with "If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so yummy..."
October 19, 2003
Enter the Dragon..
Hmmm....I like these quizzy things...turns out, I'm a big ole scary dragon....must have something to do with the red hair...but that "He tore his eyes from his sockets and used them to peer into the souls of those on trial to make a judgement. " thing is just CRAZY...
You are Form 5, Dragon: The Weaver.
"And The Dragon seperated the virtuous from the sinful. He tore his eyes from his sockets and used them to peer into the souls of thoseon trial to make a judgement. He knew that with endless knowledge came endless responsibility."
Some examples of the Dragon Form are Athena (Greek), St. Peter (Christian), and Surya (Indian). The Dragon is associated with the concept of intelligence, the number 5, and the element of wood. His sign is the crescent moon.
As a member of Form 5, you are an intelligent and wise individual. You weigh options by looking at how logical they are and you know that while there may not always be a right or wrong choice, there is always a logical one. People may say you are too indecisive, but it's only because you want to do what's right. Dragons are the best friends to have because they're willing to learn.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thanks to Ninjababe for the link...
You are Form 5, Dragon: The Weaver.
"And The Dragon seperated the virtuous from the sinful. He tore his eyes from his sockets and used them to peer into the souls of thoseon trial to make a judgement. He knew that with endless knowledge came endless responsibility."
Some examples of the Dragon Form are Athena (Greek), St. Peter (Christian), and Surya (Indian). The Dragon is associated with the concept of intelligence, the number 5, and the element of wood. His sign is the crescent moon.
As a member of Form 5, you are an intelligent and wise individual. You weigh options by looking at how logical they are and you know that while there may not always be a right or wrong choice, there is always a logical one. People may say you are too indecisive, but it's only because you want to do what's right. Dragons are the best friends to have because they're willing to learn.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thanks to Ninjababe for the link...
The "Phantom" Masturbator
....once again...in the interest of lowering the tone of my humble blog ONCE AGAIN, I offer you this....a story of weirdness in GIGANTIC proportions...is it coming from Southern California?....is it coming from some East Coast den of iniquity?....is it coming from a cat-house in N'awlins?...nope...guess where it's coming from...c'mon..GUESS.....no ideas?....it doesn't matter, you'd have never guessed it anyway....it's OREGON!! yes, ladies and gentlemen...OREGON is the new capital of weirdness...HERE is the proof....and THIS GUY lives out there....I hope he's doing ok with all those crazy people around..
"We were standing in the kitchen when some guy opened up the back door, walked into the kitchen and started to masturbate," Kraus said.
She identified the man as wearing khaki pants, a plaid shirt and an imitation of the mask used in the movie "Scream....
and more....
After waking the third roommate and her boyfriend, the four went back into the kitchen to see if the man was still there. He was gone and had left the back door wide open.
"He just vaporized," Kraus said. "Like a ghost."
"We were standing in the kitchen when some guy opened up the back door, walked into the kitchen and started to masturbate," Kraus said.
She identified the man as wearing khaki pants, a plaid shirt and an imitation of the mask used in the movie "Scream....
and more....
After waking the third roommate and her boyfriend, the four went back into the kitchen to see if the man was still there. He was gone and had left the back door wide open.
"He just vaporized," Kraus said. "Like a ghost."
Chinese Food tastes better in Space...
He said it...I didn't...personally, I LOVE ethinc food..Thai, Chinese, and especially Indian food...I LOVE it...and if Yang thinks it tastes EVEN BETTER when tasting it in a spacecraft, then SIGN ME UP.....I want to eat "General Tso Chicken with Fried Rice" in geo-synchronous orbit at least ONCE before I die....
Lt. Col. Yang Liwei, China's first human being in space, spent some of his time miles above the Earth eating from his choice of 20 Chinese dishes -- including one-bite nuggets of spicy shredded pork, diced chicken and fried rice cooked "with nuts, dates and other delicacies."
"The astronaut will enjoy himself over a rich variety of Chinese food," the government's Xinhua News Agency reported after Yang was safely in orbit. The agency's rather emphatic headline: "Chinese food for Chinese astronauts."
Lt. Col. Yang Liwei, China's first human being in space, spent some of his time miles above the Earth eating from his choice of 20 Chinese dishes -- including one-bite nuggets of spicy shredded pork, diced chicken and fried rice cooked "with nuts, dates and other delicacies."
"The astronaut will enjoy himself over a rich variety of Chinese food," the government's Xinhua News Agency reported after Yang was safely in orbit. The agency's rather emphatic headline: "Chinese food for Chinese astronauts."
Lesbian "Quickie" Sex
Someone PLEASE tell me what that entails...I REALLY want to know...just give me the visual idea...I'll take the rest from there....Please?...
A LESBIAN killer has been moved to another jail after seducing two female warders in a sex scandal more raunchy than anything in TV's Bad Girls.
Scheming Claire McDermott, 28, has been transferred from top-security Holloway jail after telling governors she enjoyed steamy sex sessions with two prison officers.
McDermott - who is serving life for stabbing a woman to death - told them she had "quickie sex" in her cell with officers Denise Tierney and Diane O'Dwyer, both aged 33.
A LESBIAN killer has been moved to another jail after seducing two female warders in a sex scandal more raunchy than anything in TV's Bad Girls.
Scheming Claire McDermott, 28, has been transferred from top-security Holloway jail after telling governors she enjoyed steamy sex sessions with two prison officers.
McDermott - who is serving life for stabbing a woman to death - told them she had "quickie sex" in her cell with officers Denise Tierney and Diane O'Dwyer, both aged 33.
Under-appreciated...Bad Joke of the Day...
A newly ordained monk arrives at a remote monastery. He is greeted there by the Abbot, and then is told he must take a vow of silence. If after 20 years, he maintains this vow, he will be allowed to utter two words.
The young monk swears the oath, and sets about his monkly duties. Twenty years pass. The Head monk calls him in to the office.
"Brother", starts the head monk, "you've done well here. 20 years, and not a word has passed your lips. You are now allowed to speak 2 words."
The slightly gray monk pulls back his hood, looks the head monk in the eye, and says: "Bad Food!"
The monk pulls the hood back over his head, and goes back to work.
Twenty more years pass. He is again summoned to the head monks office.
"Congratulations," says the head monk. "twenty more years, and not a sound. You may again speak two words."
The 60 year old monk, slightly bowed by 40 years of the Lord's work, walks up to the Head Monk, and says: "No Heat!"
And he then resumes his efforts.
Twenty more years go by, and now the Monk is called back to see the head monk. Both old men move much slower now, but manage to meet in the office.
The head monk starts: "Brother, congratulations once more, you've been here 60 years, and have managed to maintain your vow of silence, you may now utter 2 more words."
The old Monk slowly hobbles up to the head monk's desk, pulls back his hood to reveal a balding head, and says: "I Quit!"
As he turns to go, the head monk says to him: "It's just as well, you've done nothing but bitch ever since you first got here!!!"
The young monk swears the oath, and sets about his monkly duties. Twenty years pass. The Head monk calls him in to the office.
"Brother", starts the head monk, "you've done well here. 20 years, and not a word has passed your lips. You are now allowed to speak 2 words."
The slightly gray monk pulls back his hood, looks the head monk in the eye, and says: "Bad Food!"
The monk pulls the hood back over his head, and goes back to work.
Twenty more years pass. He is again summoned to the head monks office.
"Congratulations," says the head monk. "twenty more years, and not a sound. You may again speak two words."
The 60 year old monk, slightly bowed by 40 years of the Lord's work, walks up to the Head Monk, and says: "No Heat!"
And he then resumes his efforts.
Twenty more years go by, and now the Monk is called back to see the head monk. Both old men move much slower now, but manage to meet in the office.
The head monk starts: "Brother, congratulations once more, you've been here 60 years, and have managed to maintain your vow of silence, you may now utter 2 more words."
The old Monk slowly hobbles up to the head monk's desk, pulls back his hood to reveal a balding head, and says: "I Quit!"
As he turns to go, the head monk says to him: "It's just as well, you've done nothing but bitch ever since you first got here!!!"
Deep Fried Pickles
Well, I'm back from Nashville, safe and sound....what a beautiful day to be driving...perfect blue sky, slightly cool temperature...Rolling Stones blasting...and the wife kicked back drinking a chocolate milkshake from the Dairy Queen.....I followed a semi truck hauling "hazardous chemicals" all the way from Nashville to the I40/I75 split just south of Knoxville...I stayed right behind that big rig, and he hardly EVER let it fall off 90mph..my little silver buggy stayed up there with no problem, but I couldn't help thinking - as we went around some of those curves and up into the mountains near Crossville - about him turning over and killing everyone in a 2 mile radius...I don't know if he was running empty or not, but his tanker trailer was covered in big warnings about how hazardous the stuff he was hauling is....anyway....he didn't wreck...and neither did I...and I made it in record time back home...I figured that if he was going that fast, he must know where the cops are....anyway, I'm back...
I have to share one thing about the trip, though...I went out to eat, and I noticed something on the menu that I had never even HEARD of before.....DEEP FRIED PICKLES....I couldn't resist...something that sounded THAT weird just HAD to be tried....so, I had my first taste of Deep Fried Pickels....has anyone else ever had these?...basically, they are dill pickle slices that have been dipped in batter, and deep fried....they gave you a garlic and sourcream sauce to dip them in....if any of you out there run a pub or bar, you need to put these on the menu....they weren't exactly to my liking, but they DID make me buy two extra beers at the restaurant...tip, if you want someone to drink more in a pub or eatin' establishment, get them thirsty....this appetizer is 100% sure to be good for AT LEAST two more drinks...
I have to share one thing about the trip, though...I went out to eat, and I noticed something on the menu that I had never even HEARD of before.....DEEP FRIED PICKLES....I couldn't resist...something that sounded THAT weird just HAD to be tried....so, I had my first taste of Deep Fried Pickels....has anyone else ever had these?...basically, they are dill pickle slices that have been dipped in batter, and deep fried....they gave you a garlic and sourcream sauce to dip them in....if any of you out there run a pub or bar, you need to put these on the menu....they weren't exactly to my liking, but they DID make me buy two extra beers at the restaurant...tip, if you want someone to drink more in a pub or eatin' establishment, get them thirsty....this appetizer is 100% sure to be good for AT LEAST two more drinks...
October 17, 2003
I'm off to Nashville
Sorry guys....I have some business to take care of in Nashville....so, I won't be back in the blogseat until Sunday evening....check back around dusk on Sunday...maybe something new will have appeared...until then, y'all have a good weekend....this is Straight White Guy..signing off....................*click*
I guess I'll try another Friday Five
1. Name five things in your refrigerator.
ok....2 Jars of Moonshine
8 bottles of Amber Bock Ale
1 bottle of dry Vermouth
1 bottle of sweet Vermouth
1 bottle of Goldschlager
2. Name five things in your freezer.
ice cubes
about 150 frozen burritos
a 3 year old frozen pizza
2 boxes of "Texas Toast"
more ground beef than I could EVER possibly eat
3. Name five things under your kitchen sink.
lighter fluid
dishwasher tablets
a pot scrubber
a box of garbage bags
some old kiwi black boot polish
4. Name five things around your computer.
a large tumbler of Scotch
an ashtray
that damn "Aqua Tube" I got for my birthday
a rubber Gila Monster
Me
5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet.
Dangit...all the stuff in my medicine cabinet is too hard to spell..sorry...you'll just have to use your imagination....
Thanks to LeeAnn for the tip...
ok....2 Jars of Moonshine
8 bottles of Amber Bock Ale
1 bottle of dry Vermouth
1 bottle of sweet Vermouth
1 bottle of Goldschlager
2. Name five things in your freezer.
ice cubes
about 150 frozen burritos
a 3 year old frozen pizza
2 boxes of "Texas Toast"
more ground beef than I could EVER possibly eat
3. Name five things under your kitchen sink.
lighter fluid
dishwasher tablets
a pot scrubber
a box of garbage bags
some old kiwi black boot polish
4. Name five things around your computer.
a large tumbler of Scotch
an ashtray
that damn "Aqua Tube" I got for my birthday
a rubber Gila Monster
Me
5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet.
Dangit...all the stuff in my medicine cabinet is too hard to spell..sorry...you'll just have to use your imagination....
Thanks to LeeAnn for the tip...
Corner of the Bar Gang
Madfish Willie is up to no good again....trying his BEST to get us all to tell jokes and get hammered...all for the the honor of being in a elite group of patrons of his bar..known only as the "Corner of the Bar Gang"....check it out if you get a chance...he's got some good drinks recipes, and his jokes ain't bad either!....DAMMIT!!....I didn't make the list...I guess I'll just have to tell more bad jokes HERE....after all, this site is pretty much ALREADY dedicated to drinking Scotch, dirty jokes, and cigarette smoke....oh, and some other weird stories about the military, sex, playing guitar, and hunting...and Robert Service...and Rugby...stuff like that...heh...I guess I'll just have to break out my old George Thorogood CD and listen to the famous..."I drink alone"....dangit...anyway, at LEAST I made Blackfive's list of bloggers he'd like to have a drink with....
RWC Continues...
I know that everyone has been caught up in the baseball playoffs....I have to tell everyone that I was hoping to see a Sox/Cubs World Series....that would have been awesome...however, I didn't watch any of the games...AT ALL...why, you may ask?...because I would have missed the RUGBY!....So far, we've seen the big boys CRUSHING the little people...and I just want to say how INCREDIBLY PROUD I am of the way the USA Eagles played their first match...now THAT was a tragedy....let me give you a quick rundown of a few of the scores, and you'll see what I mean...
New Zealand 70 to 7 over Italy..
France 61 to 18 over Fiji
South Africa 72 to 6 over Uruguay
Wales 41 to 10 over Canada
England 84 to 6 over Georgia
Argentina 67 to 14 over Namibia
and.....Fiji 19 to 18 over USA
Hell, OUR match was the only nailbiter so far...
New Zealand 70 to 7 over Italy..
France 61 to 18 over Fiji
South Africa 72 to 6 over Uruguay
Wales 41 to 10 over Canada
England 84 to 6 over Georgia
Argentina 67 to 14 over Namibia
and.....Fiji 19 to 18 over USA
Hell, OUR match was the only nailbiter so far...
More Naked Protests
dangit....I want to see a naked protest...I've never seen one...they seem to be happening EVERYwhere...and now, even the Mexicans are getting naked...I think we need to organize a naked protest in Knoxville...or Chattanooga...hmmm..
Tuesday, October 14, 2003 (Mexico City):
Dozens of nude and semi-nude Mexican farmers, men and women, from Veracruz state protested on Monday in front of the Angel of Independence statue, in the heart of Mexico City.
It is the second time in two weeks that the farmers chose this unusual form of protest to call attention to their claim over lost lands.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003 (Mexico City):
Dozens of nude and semi-nude Mexican farmers, men and women, from Veracruz state protested on Monday in front of the Angel of Independence statue, in the heart of Mexico City.
It is the second time in two weeks that the farmers chose this unusual form of protest to call attention to their claim over lost lands.
Hurt Feelings is Equal to getting SMACKED..
wow....I just wonder how long it is going to be before some wingnut has a law written up...which gives us jail time for choosing not to talk to EVERYONE at a party...and inadvertantly "causing them physical pain"....jeez....I can ALREADY here the whine beginning to build up steam....
Being snubbed socially provokes exactly the same brain response as being physically hurt, say US researchers.
Volunteers were asked to play a computer game designed to fool them into feeling excluded, while brain scans were taken at the same time.
Being snubbed socially provokes exactly the same brain response as being physically hurt, say US researchers.
Volunteers were asked to play a computer game designed to fool them into feeling excluded, while brain scans were taken at the same time.
I am at a total loss for words
I have no idea what message I'm going to send her..but, after seeing this...I HAVE to send her something....
this is NOT suitable for viewing at work, by the way...
this is NOT suitable for viewing at work, by the way...
Bad Joke of the Day
There was once a slight built Scotsman and a heavy set Englishman who lived next door to each other...
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued back and forth for a while until finally the Scotsman said: "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman thought about for a while and finally agreed to this form of manly combat...
And so the Scotsman came out of his house wearing his heaviest pair of boots. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman full throttle and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls.
The Englishman crumpled and fell to the earth clutching his nuts, howling in bloody agony for a full 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and smiled: "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled back: "There's no need for that, I give up, you can keep the damn egg."
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued back and forth for a while until finally the Scotsman said: "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman thought about for a while and finally agreed to this form of manly combat...
And so the Scotsman came out of his house wearing his heaviest pair of boots. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman full throttle and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls.
The Englishman crumpled and fell to the earth clutching his nuts, howling in bloody agony for a full 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and smiled: "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled back: "There's no need for that, I give up, you can keep the damn egg."
